This topic is a very tender one. It has absolutely been a rough road trying to have a family. We hope that you will be understanding as we share this private struggle with you.
Stefani has struggled with endometriosis and ovarian cysts since high school. She always assumed that having children would be a difficult task, although she hoped this would not be the case. It proved to be true a hundred times over. When we decided to begin our family, we made it a matter of prayer. We weren't sure how a child would change our little world, so we left it up to Heavenly Father. If it was his plan for us to have children at that time, he would bless us, if not, we would wait until the time was right.
Well.... we waited, for over a year. After a year, we decided that Heavenly Father may need a little assistance because of Stefani's issues, so we sought medical help. While trying to find the right combination of medications and timing, Stefani was able to get pregnant. But it only lasted for a few weeks. We were quite disappointed to have a miscarriage, but we took it as a sign that "yes we would be able to get pregnant, but it wasn't right yet". Within the next two months, Stefani was pregnant again, but unfortunately with the same result. We were happy to be able to get pregnant, but we were beginning to truly fear that Stefani's problems may prevent carrying a baby to full term. Our doctor decided to change some of the medication and we once again attempted to become pregnant. This time, we were successful. All our tests were looking great and we were so excited! We anxiously went to our first appointment with hopes to hear a heartbeat.
Well we were in for more of a surprise than actually having a baby..... we were having two babies! HOLY COW! was all we could think. After the initial shock set in we were thrilled. Family was so important to us and to our extended families. We thought perhaps this was Heavenly Father's way to make up for the struggles we had endured previously. Maybe because it was difficult for us to conceive, our babies would come more than one at a time. Things were going wonderfully (despite the exhaustion and morning sickness), until we hit about 16 weeks. The babies were small and not growing properly. We began to do everything we possibly could to try to increase the blood flow to the placentas. This was very demanding emotionally, physically, and mentally. We did not know what the problem was and we were desperate to do what we could to save our little baby boys.
Stefani began having ultrasounds weekly to check the progress of the boys. We were hopeful and trying to rely on our faith that things would work out. We expected that it may be a rough rode, but we just felt that things would work out! At our 21 week appointment, we were faced with utter devastation as the ultrasound tech began the scan, it was instantly clear.... there was only one heartbeat. We were completely in shock. We never thought we would actually lose one of our babies! It was incredibly difficult for Stefani who had begun to plan out the nursery and her life for twins. In an instance, those plans and that dream was shattered. How do you stay strong to help a sick baby and grieve for the loss of another baby at the same time. Saying we were devastated, was an understatement. Despite our sadness, our entire focus moved to the surviving baby and increasing all our efforts toward ensuring his safety. We visited many different specialists along the entire ordeal, and with their help, determined that our best option was to deliver the babies early. If our little survivor could make it to 24 weeks to be "viable", he might have a better chance of surviving, despite being very small.
We planned to deliver our surviving son on a Wednesday. We went to the doctor first thing Monday morning to just have a heartbeat check. I was a little nervous but felt the baby kick that morning, so I was feeling confident that everything would be ok. Instantly once again, we were faced with utter shock and despair as the ultrasound tech searched for a heartbeat on a empty dark screen. Just two days before he would have greeted the world, he left it. The doctor sent us back home to grieve in private with the plan to return to the hospital on Wednesday (the same day we would have been in the hospital) to deliver the babies we would now never take home.
What a hideous process! Labor was induced and Thursday morning, December 3, 2009 just two hours apart, Tommy and Ethan were born still. We were able to spend 2 wonderful days in the hospital holding our boys. Then we were sent home to plan a funeral that no parent should ever have to endure, that of their child.
After their births, tests were run and it was determined that our boys were identical twins, which was a surprise considering there had been two sacs the entire pregnancy. It turned out that there were two sacs, but they shared one placenta and suffered from a twin disease called Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. We simply didn't know what we were dealing with, and the various specialists didn't know either. They were all confused and shocked with the diagnosis as well. It was a situation that was beyond rare. 
Since the loss of our twin sons, we have endured another miscarriage and 4 failed fertility treatments. Our devastation grows with each potential loss. We continue to hope that we will be able to conceive and carry a baby to term and be able to take that baby home. Our loss has made us more appreciative of the things we have and more hopeful and desirous for the things we want. Sleepless nights, temper tantrums, spit up, etc is something we will cherish because it will mean that we have a child to care for and to love. As great as our desire is for children, it is not specific toward "our" children. Our hearts are so big and our love for children is so great that we firmly believe we could accept and love any little child. Adoption is an amazing blessing and we hope it will be a part of our family experience.
If you would like to see more about our sons and how they will always be a part of our family and our lives, please feel free to visit our blog that is dedicated to them. Click here for Ethan and Tommy's Blog
