My Thoughts at 12 Weeks

I'm not sure how I am suppose to be feeling about the adoption right now. What is the textbook version? I am sad, happy, excited, overwhelmed, tired and energetic all wrapped up into one. I don't like that I got pregnant at a time where I should even have to make a decision like this. At the same time, I feel like I got pregnant at exactly the right time so that I could meet Stefani and Eldon. I know that the adoption is the right choice and that Baby X will be loved and kept as safe as a child can be kept. I hear the excitement in Stefani's texts and emails. She should have a house full of babies right now. I can't imagine how hard it must have been on her to lose them all. I read her letters to Tommy and Ethan and I can't help but cry because I can feel her pain and desperation. Not only because she lost them too soon, but also because she wants to be a mother so badly. I pray that this pregnancy goes well. Not just for me or the baby but for her. I hope that having a baby for her to bring home will help her heal from previous losses and fill that void. My house is full of kids and love. It would be selfish of us not to share that.