Sunday, August 28, 2011

Woman to Woman

So I try really hard not to be a big ol' boob about things, but today, I seem to be being especially sensitive.  My guess is because I started the day out in church service, so that usually puts me closer to the spirit and more sensitive to my emotions, plus my day started at 5am, so sleep deprivation helps a bit too :p.  So I was driving home from running errands today and had a church talk in the CD player. The talk was discussing the pure love of Christ and how we can demonstrate that to others.  Even though, I was really enjoying the talk, my brain has definitely had a difficult time not wandering to the topic of our adoption lately.  I am most definitely a planner, its constantly on my mind (probably because there is pretty much nothing in my control, so I really cant "plan" for anything).  Anyways, my thoughts wandered to the 2 weeks following the birth.  We have to stay in Florida for about 2 weeks for the paperwork to be processed.  My first thoughts were about how to manage by myself in another state, in a hotel room with a new born.  Kind of crazy!  But then, my thoughts went to Carolyn.  She told me today that she is going to have an additional procedure in conjunction with the birth, which will require her to be in the hospital an extra day or two, but I also assume it may add to her healing time. While I know she has people who care about her, my concern still came to her need to heal physically, but also mentally and emotionally, but at the same she has other responsibilities that may prevent her from doing that as easily as possible.  It surprised me a little to realize how much I care for this woman whom Ive only known for a few short months, but whose impact in my life along with Chris is so immense.  While, I dont want to minimize my gratitude for Chris, there is just something different about the bond from woman to woman and from mother to mother. 

When we began the adoption process almost a year ago, I found part of a poem about the relationship between the birth mother and the adoptive mother.  I appreciated the sentiment of the poem, but it just didnt quite express my emotions.  So I took the sentiment of the poem and created my own.  Im not really a poet, but I enjoy writing when the mood suits me.  After we returned from our trip to Florida, I remembered the poem, and found it and reread it.  It amazed me how my feelings matched after meeting Carolyn.  I just thought I would share. 

All the words in the world
could never express what I feel for you.
I know our paths were meant to cross
I hope you share that feeling too

The day we had the pleasure of meeting
I saw your beautiful face
My heart was filled with such great peace
I felt our spirits embrace.

You have given me hope of a treasure
worth far more than silver or gold
The dreams of a beautiful baby,
a precious new child to hold.

For too long my arms have been empty
My heart ached and tears filled the night
you truly are an answer to prayers
the triumph at the end of a fight

I am grateful to you for giving this gift
I am sure it is hard to do
I cannot imagine the strength it must take
I sincerely admire you

You chose to take the harder path
You are proving your love is great
The gift you give is a selfless one
Of love, of life, of faith

I promise you that I will speak
of the great courage that you have shown,
And that to this little one so loved,
You will not remain unknown.

I hope you will find comfort in knowing
This baby will be loved and cherished too
It will never want for anything
for I owe this blessing to you.

Thank you simply isn’t enough
No words can even come close
By taking this journey, by choosing me
you grant the gift I desire most

I pray for guardian angels to guide you
and ease your burden with each step you take
You are not alone in this journey    
Together a life long bond we will make

Im not sure if Carolyn is sentimental, so if I am too much of  a boob about this, I apologize. But my emotions regarding having a family, run very strong and very deep as does my gratitude for Carolyn and Chris!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

A Relief...

It was such a relief meeting Stefani and Eldon this weekend. I already knew deep down that they are the perfect choice for Baby X but being able to hang out with them in person and just get to know each other without it being through text messages and emails made it all seem so much more personal. Since I have really only had contact with Stefani so far, except a few jokes on Facebook with Eldon, I was a little nervous about what Eldon would be like. I knew that Stefani would be sweet, funny and outgoing. I guess I thought it would be a little awkward with Eldon and I thought he would be a little more shy. Everyone who knows Eldon and is reading this knows how WAY off I was on that assumption! From the minute we met they were both just so perfect. Very funny and down to earth. They were awesome with Natalie and Austin, too. Even though Austin had taken on some other personality that I hadn't seen before with his crazy voice and facial Natalie was very relaxed (in her silly way) with them and after we left she asked if we could see them again...they were "cool". I said, "yes, they will be back in February". :)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Sweet Blessings

Within our religion, we believe in blessings. These blessings can be for healing, for peace or comfort, or for guidance.  While we were struggling with the possible pending loss of our twin sons, my Father and sweet Husband gave me a priesthood blessing.  During this blessing, I was told that this situation would be a trial of my faith, but if I was faithful, I would see the hand of Lord in the life of my children.  At the time, I quickly assumed that this meant that my sons would be okay, even if it was a struggle with time in the NICU, or otherwise.  When there were no more heartbeats, I wondered what on Earth that blessing truly meant for me other than I knew that the Lord had touched my children and taken them home.  Now, I can see the Hand of the Lord in bringing this sweet baby to my life, to my heart and to my home.  It is amazing to me to look at the time frames in which things happened and what brought both Eldon and I and Carolyn and Chris to the decisions that have resulted in this adoption, and how the pieces of this puzzle have fit together so sweetly.  I can honestly say looking back over even just the past few months, I have felt guided and led toward this path.  We honestly couldn't be more thrilled for the opportunity to finally bring a little one to our home and into our family.  We do of course have fears just because we know how easily and quickly things can change, but we are trying to show our faith in a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan for his children.  We continue to pray and hope that all the pieces continue to fit together and that everything will continue to move forward as smoothly as it has been thus far.  We are so incredibly grateful for Chris and for Carolyn.  They have been absolutely amazing throughout the process so far and we are so grateful that we were chosen by these wonderful people to receive such a precious gift.  This adoption is truly a blessing and we so grateful that everyone involved has the acted purely out of love and concern for this sweet baby.  Words truly cannot accurately express our feelings.  We are elated, we are nervous, we are anxious, we are thrilled and we truly cannot wait for this sweet baby to bless our family with its presence!   

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Crazy Dreams

Through all of my pregnancies, I have had crazy dreams. Some that are funny, some are bizarre and some are just strange. I even had a dream once that my father came back as a dragonfly. Dragonfly body but with my father's face. As soon as I woke up, I told my best friend, Kasey about it. That afternoon, Kasey and I were waiting in line at the school to pick up Natalie and Austin. I look out my window and there is a dragonfly hovering right at eye level. It stayed there for atleast 2 minutes just looking at me. I'm so glad I had a witness to all of that!

Last night, I had an extremely funny dream. Wasn't funny in the dream but when I woke up...I couldn't help but laugh about it. It took place in the hospital after Baby X was born. Stefani and I were in the hospital room talking and a nurse came in and asked Stefani if she wanted to hold the baby during the "procedure". I asked what they were doing and they acted all secretive and walked out of the room. I got worried and followed them since it all seemed so strange. They went through a door that was marked "Microchipping" so I busted in and asked what they were up to. I must have had a crazy look on my face because Stefani told me to calm down and relax...this was for security purposes in case I tried to steal the baby from her and run away, they would be able to find us by tracking the microchip they were putting in Baby X's head! I woke up right after that and just laughed. Just thought i'd share. :)

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

My Thoughts at 12 Weeks

I'm not sure how I am suppose to be feeling about the adoption right now. What is the textbook version? I am sad, happy, excited, overwhelmed, tired and energetic all wrapped up into one. I don't like that I got pregnant at a time where I should even have to make a decision like this. At the same time, I feel like I got pregnant at exactly the right time so that I could meet Stefani and Eldon. I know that the adoption is the right choice and that Baby X will be loved and kept as safe as a child can be kept. I hear the excitement in Stefani's texts and emails. She should have a house full of babies right now. I can't imagine how hard it must have been on her to lose them all. I read her letters to Tommy and Ethan and I can't help but cry because I can feel her pain and desperation. Not only because she lost them too soon, but also because she wants to be a mother so badly. I pray that this pregnancy goes well. Not just for me or the baby but for her. I hope that having a baby for her to bring home will help her heal from previous losses and fill that void. My house is full of kids and love. It would be selfish of us not to share that.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Dedicated to Baby X

This section of our Adoption Blog is dedicated to the one whose presence in our life is the entire purpose of this blog.  We hope that these letters of love can bring joy, comfort, knowledge, strength and peace to our baby some day as they seek understand the miracle of their birth and how they were brought to our family.  While reading about adoption, I came across an amazing idea about adoption....

"Just as an oyster is wired by its Creator to wrap its innermost being around unexpected pain to produce a beautiful pearl, everyone involved in this adoption process have wrapped their innermost beings—time, energy, blood, sweat, and tears—around this beloved child."

This baby is a treasure of far greater worth than just a pearl, and the miracle of this life and our family revolves around many wrapping themselves around this little bundle of life to create something beautiful.  These letters of love come from the various people who are giving so much so that Baby X can know it is loved, it is wanted and it is truly a cherished treasure.